At Home in God
“He who dwells in the shadow of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1
To continue our story, after seeing the verse on the cake that touched me so deeply, I could not help but hold onto it tightly as we moved into our new, temporary home. The Words rang in my ears over and over again. “Under His Wings you will find refuge.”
If you have moved before, you probably know that boxes can be overwhelming, both in the packing and unpacking. Getting ready during the last days at your old place and the first days at your new place can take three times as much time. And besides feeling overwhelmed from not being able to find anything, a sense of sadness appears realizing the passing of time with a season coming to an end. But then comes the exciting thought of all the potential that the new chapter in the new house offers.
In our case, the exciting part was not quite there - we knew this house was a blessing from the Lord but it was sometimes very hard to be here because everywhere we looked things reminded us that it is not our home. And we are not where we want to be, in Hungary. And the words rang again “Under His wings you will find refuge.” This one little verse led me to read Psalm 91 over and over again during these past three months, and to quote Spurgeon, “This psalm is full to the very brim of exceeding great and precious promises”. And even though my longing increases day by day to get overseas I found myself at home in God.
During this waiting period, some days are harder than others and when doubt tries to clog up my faith, I do what David did: “In the day of my trouble, I sought the Lord.” (Ps. 77:2) And He gave me the grace to be able to say with the Psalmist,
“I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler.”
Psalm 91:2-3
What a sweet promise to know. As Spurgeon puts it, “If we dwell near to God, he will see to it that the most skilful deceiver shall not entrap us. ‘Satan the fowler who betrays Unguarded souls a thousand ways.’”
Right now my greatest challenge is to be still and wait on God and His timing. We believe the door will be opened when we finish the support raising. We prayed, Joel prayed, and he sought wise counsel. He counted the cost of what it takes to plant a church in Hungary. Having the support will free him up to devote himself to prayer and the ministry of the word. (Acts 6:4)
But for me, there is this great temptation to go early by myself with kids because I have family there. Charlie is going to be a first grader and the girls are supposed to start preschool. Even though I am planning and preparing to homeschool, we have to wait to see what the Hungarian Government says. Also, the kids need to get used to the language and we need to find a home. There are many other factors why summer seems like great timing but planning to go by myself means not giving the greatest support I can give to Joel right now in this process, which is being by his side. After all, he is getting ready to say goodbye to his beloved country and family. So going by myself seems to be wanting to take matters into my own hands. While studying Ezekiel I saw the fall of Tyre who prided himself in his own resources but at the end, it says “Your Rowers brought you into great waters” Ezekiel 27:26
Even if summer seems like the perfect timing the Lord gently reminded me not to take matters into my own hands it won’t do any good. And if summer is a great timing He will make it happen.
I have seen the Lord bring water where there was no wind and rain. And “this is but a light thing in the sight of the LORD:” 2 King 3:16-18
So even if leaving in the summer seems more and more impossible, it is but a light thing in the sight of the Lord to bring in all the finances we need.
“He who calls you is faithful, and he will surely do it”
1 Thessalonians 5:24
My protection against doubt and the foolishness to take matters into my own hands is also found in Psalm 91.
“His faithfulness is a shield and buckler”
Psalm 91:4
And the psalmist continues:
“You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day.
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.
Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—the Most High, who is my refuge—
no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.”
Psalm 91:5-10
There were some fiery darts of fearful temptations coming my way, Gurnall says this about those: “This particular kind of weapon is our enemies tactic kept in reserve. When pleasing temptations prove unsuccessful, he opens his quiver and sends a shower of these arrows to set the soul on fire -if not with sin then with fear.”
For me, fear has crept in more than ever since I became a mom and constant changes have made me feel even more insecure. Every time we move fear of all kinds rises even more and the longing to be settled gets stronger and stronger. Spurgeon puts it this way in The Treasury of David:
“Blessed is that communion with God which renders us impervious to midnight frights, and horrors born of darkness. Not to be afraid is in itself an unspeakable blessing, since for every suffering which we endure from real injury we are tormented by a thousand griefs which arise from fear only.”
I remember last January while we were still trying to figure out where the Lord wanted us, I told Joel all I want is to take root somewhere; I didn’t want to live in this limbo anymore and he graciously reminded me of Jacob whose life was constant waiting in the in-between. And I remember this rage of anger rising in me thinking ‘Why can’t you just say something like, yes me too and God will provide, we will be settled, etc...”
The next day I poured my heart out to the Lord in tears and as I was reading my bible Isaiah 27:6 said this, “In the days to come Jacob shall take root Israel shall blossom and put forth shoots and fill the whole world with fruit.” And I knew what Joel meant when he tried to remind me of Jacob’s life. Eventually, Jacob came to his land. In the same way, the Lord will bring me to Himself - being with him is more important than our physical location. In Him, I don’t have to be afraid. To quote Spurgeon once again:
“It is impossible that any ill should happen to the man who is beloved of the Lord; the most crushing calamities can only shorten his journey and hasten him to his reward. Ill to him is no ill, but only good in a mysterious form. Losses enrich him, sickness is his medicine, reproach is his honour, death is his gain. No evil in the strict sense of the word can happen to him, for everything is overruled for good. Happy is he who is in such a case. He is secure where others are in peril, he lives where others die.”
Another story to share from April.
Our car broke down in Atlanta after Joel was preaching on Easter Sunday evening. The next day, Monday, he needed to be in Jackson, Mississippi for the Twin Lakes conference, which was a very important event in our fundraising process.
By providence, you can say, the car broke down 2 minutes after leaving our friends', Sheldon and Laura's house, where we ate dinner. We managed to push the car back to their house and realized we were not going anywhere that night. But how is Joel going to drive to Mississippi the next day? When am I going to wash his clothes, which I planned to do that night? We prayed, and the Lord took care of us. Sheldon made phone calls, we got a minivan to ride home and borrow for a week, and Joel was able to catch a ride to the conference from Birmingham. One friend of mine, as we were driving home the next day, put in a load of laundry for us, and another friend of mine switched it to the dryer. All the clothes were ready. But we barely had time to even pack! Plus Joel needed to take a shower and on top of that, our kids were hungry and needed some love. Our small group moms stepped in they had an easter egg hunt going on that morning at our friend’s Holly’s house. They took our kids, fed them, and loved on them. Our kids had the best time.
I said goodbye to Joel. I picked up the kids. That night my heart overflowed with thankfulness, what a sweet way to taste the community of believers.
“For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up” Psalm 91:11-12
I didn’t even care much that I was going to be by myself for four days with the kids and that I was already exhausted. Well, I didn’t even have to because the sweet wife of one of our elders came to check on us the next day, took care of our dinner, and handed me a check to help with the cost of fixing our car.
“For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward him.” 2 Chronicles 16:9
“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91:14-16
When I read The Treasury of David by Spurgeon on this Psalm the very first sentence was this:
“The blessings here promised are not for all believers, but for those who live in close fellowship with God.”
In the past three months, Not much has changed in our circumstances but a lot more in our hearts. I certainly pray more than ever and I know Joel does too.
Because “If we have any victory it must drop from heaven - but it will stay there until believing prayer comes for it” (William Gurnall The Christian in Complete Armor Volume 3).
Even just having the time to be able to write this account I prayed the Lord would make the way. I don’t like to pay for help to care for my kids or spend money on eating out but I knew I had to because otherwise I would not have the mental space to do this. We were perfectly capable of budgeting out for it but the Lord decided to send me some encouragement. A friend called me the day after I made up my mind on the matter, she called if she could come over for coffee and at the end of our good time together she handed me an envelope from her husband with a letter and money in it which he prepared after reading the previous blog.
And I want to conclude with this quick story. While we wait, there is more happening than just support coming in. We are already making preparations regarding what we plan to do. And I heard about a ministry called "Moms in Prayer". I thought while we are still here I wanted to learn more about it and after meeting with a friend who leads one in Birmingham, I fell in love with it. This ministry is just what I was looking for. I knew this could be something I could start doing as soon as we get there.
I got connected with a person who oversees the ministry Internationally. and she connected me to the person who oversees the ministry in Europe. She emailed me the contact information for the regional director of the ministry in Hungary who happens to live in Györ with a little side note “You are an answer to our prayer.”
My heart was overjoyed I needed nothing more than to be able to say, Lord, your timing is the best timing and if you have anything else we need to wait for this side of the pond so be it.
“but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
“Under his Wings you will find refuge.”
And I did just that.