Why was I a Guest?

I read a few reflections from others on the new year, and I was thinking what would be mine? "Fret not yourself", or "Wait on the Lord." Or the lyrics by Isaac Watts - "Lord why was I a guest?" That's it. Lord, why was I a guest?

A very unexpected thing happened to me in December, something I had been praying for years but never really expected to happen. Up until that point, I felt like the whole point of my last year was for the Lord to teach me to Be still before him and wait patiently for Him and fret not myself. 

Looking back, last year was a very exciting journey for us we finally knew where we were supposed to be and it was closer than we ever dreamed. Serving Hungary was something we always wanted to do together. We met in Hungary, I am Hungarian, we always had a heart for the church in Hungary, and we led mission trips back to Hungary so it was something we always wanted to do but neither of us ever really thought that we would be living there. 

Until the third year of seminary when providentially, Joel was one of the students they interviewed about his future plans. An interview came out with a picture of Joel with a Hungarian map behind him, as a result of that we found ourselves on a trip to Hungary meeting with a small church denomination whom we absolutely fell in love with and felt like we wanted to support them in any way we can. After that trip, we sensed the Lord was calling us to pursue moving to Hungary after Joel graduates. This all led us to a place called Briarwood or as it was known in seminary or in many other places, Briarworld. A place where my faith was strengthened like never before. This place represented the power of prayer and sound doctrine to me. 

When Joel mentioned that we might be able to move to Birmingham, Alabama for a year to complete his internship at Briarwood it absolutely did not sound good to me until I read an incredible story about some green chairs and until I heard Dr. Harry Reeder preach. Then I thought oh boy this could be the last step that leads to Broadway. We can learn from some of the best people, who are not perfect, but know how to do church right. So all of a sudden moving to the south with our three little kids for one more year of learning (which turned into two) didn't sound bad at all. 

Then we got there and we soon realized with Joel's internship salary we couldn't even afford to rent an apartment for a family of our size. But we were sure the Lord called us there so we prayed and in the midst of tears, on our knees, we learned to take hold of God and His promises. This is how we found ourselves in a house at a nearby American "Resort Town" for only $1000 a month including utilities. Exactly what we could afford and above beyond what we ever thought or imagined and with this and many other miracles the Lord slowly prepared us to trust Him in spite of all odds and to be able to move overseas without knowing where we were going to live.

But it didn't mean I didn't fail in the process because even though my trust in the Lord grew stronger and stronger I still fretted myself. If you have kids or even if you don't you can imagine the spiral of thoughts of what ifs and scenarios I went down on (often at sleep-deprived moments) which turned into fretting myself and ended in big fights, often with Joel. For example in a moment of thinking that everything depended on me, I had a major meltdown over a newsletter I wrote, it went out full of typos because I didn't have the capacity and strength to double-check it. But the Lord humbled me and in response to this newsletter, a church decided to partner with us and put us right at 80%. You can imagine the tears of joy we had because, with that, our moving to Hungary became a tangible reality it wasn't just in the future sometimes anymore. 

But the learning process of "fret not yourself" didn't stop there it lasted pretty much through the whole moving process. It just bothered me so much that I didn't know how long it would take for us to find a house or a place 'Will it be big enough?' 'How long will it take'. Because I knew exactly how hard it would be to live with my 88-year-old grandma who won't be satisfied with the answer "The Lord knows and we are working hard". Even though she loves us more than anything and wanted to help with everything she could she needed a date she could count on because let's be honest four small kids can be challenging to anybody, really, even to their own parents.

So this whole not knowing when we will find a home took away my excitement to move to Hungary a little bit. Through my doubts, the Lord didn't fail to encourage me.

Thus far the Lord has helped us and it won't be any different on the field either. But one particular encouragement that couldn't come at a better time was in Texas after we said goodbye in Alabama. As Proverbs 25:11 says "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver" That was the word of a dear old friend to me When we visited our old church First Baptist in Amarillo, We served alongside at church back when I first moved to America and he remembered my desire to serve Hungary one day and he also remembered my favorite bible verse and a week before our actual move to Hungary he handed me a piece of paper with that verse on it "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" with a comment "IT IS happening." Through him, I felt like the Lord reminding me "You just keep delighting yourself in me". 

So the following morning I tried to beat the kids at waking up and catch some quiet moments, that kind of morning was rare in those days since amid transition Liam our 1-year-old was not sleeping very well. But that morning I managed and I read and reread Psalm 37 and meditated on God's faithfulness which was a balm to my soul but I realized I envied those people a little bit who had set up everything before they moved to a new place and I fretted myself often because of that which of course only leads to evil as Psalm 37:8 says. This made it clear where all of my fretting came from. I knew it in my head, but that was it. A friend even reminded us the other day of the famous quote which reminds me of "The longest journey you will ever take is the 18 inches from your head to your heart". So the following two months were all about learning to do just that waiting for the Lord, trusting in His timing while actively looking for a home.

With renewed strength day after day, after being turned down many times, the Lord provided the perfect home.

We signed the contract for a 5 bedroom house near downtown, under our budget - just what we hoped for. Even better, this happened on Thanksgiving day, 4 days before our container arrived. "God's timely intervention is a confirmation that you can believe His almighty power is yours, engaged for your defense and help in all trials and temptations! God miraculously brought Israel out of Egypt; did He then set them down on the other side of the Red Sea to find their way to Canaan using their own skill and strength? No, 'The Lord God bare [them] as a man bear his son, in all the way that [they] went' (Deut. 1:31)." (from William Gurnall's book Christian in Complete Armor)

But all this wasn't it for 2024. On Christmas Eve my childhood best friend whom I hadn't seen or talked to for over 15 years, asked me if I would like to meet. 

I can't think of my childhood without her in it I loved her more than anything and I hurt her so deeply when we were 18 that our friendship never got restored. But, this also led to my salvation. I often prayed for another chance to be able to say sorry and her messaging me on Christmas Eve was gift unexpected. I was shaking as I walked into the coffee shop to meet her, we spent two hours just talking, and I was able to say sorry again and tell her I had become a believer. We had a great time together. She ended up meeting Joel and the kids too. But this was such a stirring event for me that on January 1 I ended up not only reflecting on the past year but the past 15 years. I did not only gain Jesus and heaven but with that, a loving husband, four beautiful kids, a home, food on the table, and a heart that's ready to be poured out for others so they could enjoy the feast with me and I couldn't help but cry while singing the hymn by Isaac Watts “How Sweet and Aweful is the place”.

How sweet and aweful is the place
With Christ within the doors
While everlasting love displays
The choicest of her stores

While all our hearts and all our songs
Join to admire the feast
Each of us cry with thankful tongues
"Lord, why was I a guest?"

"Why was I made to hear Thy voice
And enter while there's room
When thousands make a wretched choice
And rather starve than come?"

'Twas the same love that spread the feast
That sweetly drew us in
Else we had still refused to taste
And perished in our sin

Pity the nations, O our God
Constrain the earth to come
Send Thy victorious Word abroad
And bring the strangers home

We long to see Thy churches full
That all the chosen race
May with one voice and heart and soul
Sing Thy redeeming grace